this isn’t the life i planned at 19, but it’s mine

 If you’d asked me a year ago where I thought I’d be right now, I would’ve had an answer. I thought I’d be more sure of myself. More consistent. Waking up early, maybe writing more, knowing exactly what I wanted to do next. I imagined this version of me who had it figured out by 19.

And then life actually happened.

I started college. I went through my foundation year which was a whole experience I still don’t fully know how to describe. So much happened in such a short span of time. New people, new routines, new environments. But I was lucky. I had my two best friends from high school with me, one of them even my roommate. And honestly, I don’t know how different things would’ve felt if they weren’t there. It made everything a little easier, a little lighter, knowing I wasn’t doing this whole terrifying, exciting, weird growing-up thing completely alone. The pressure to be social, to perform, to adjust was less intense than it could be. Yes, college and my foundation year were overwhelming and unexpected, but I also had this rare anchor, them. So, stepping out of my comfort zone didn’t feel so hard. There were days when everything felt foreign and heavy. New faces, endless deadlines, social expectations I wasn’t sure I could meet. But on those days, it helped knowing I could come back to a room where someone already knew me. No explanations needed. Or go on random outings with the three of us, pretending to be adults while still feeling like high school kids on a field trip. No pressure for good impressions.

I made so many things clear to myself before college. Drew lines I said I’d never cross. Held beliefs I promised I’d stand by. But truthfully, I’ve failed myself in ways I don’t talk about. And only God knows how long I’ve been waking up carrying that heaviness, the resentment and an ache I didn’t know how to name. I still am dealing with that.

Coming to college, I told myself to be good and kind because that’s how I can connect with the right people. That’s how I will surround myself with good company. I would say I did well because even though I have made very few friends, I am thankful that I get to call them my friends. They are all a breath of fresh air. Every conversation leaves me content. Still, there were moments where I felt like I belonged, and others where I felt completely lost. I made mistakes. I laughed and cried at stupid things. I had days where I felt invincible, and nights where I questioned everything. I have let things get to me. And I’m not so sure if I like that.

In the middle of all that, I kind of lost track of the version of myself I thought I was supposed to be chasing.

At first, it scared me. Because no one really tells you how overwhelming it feels when your life suddenly changes pace and you realize you’re not quite the person you expected to become. Even with my best friends around, I couldn’t escape the quiet ache of not being who I thought I’d be. I wasn’t sticking to the habits I promised I’d build. I signed up for a debate club but I wasn’t very engaging and I can count with my fingers how many times I attended the meetings. I told myself I’d journal every night but that lasted about two weeks. Some days, I’d wake up at noon and feel like I’d already wasted the whole day before it even started. I kept thinking, this wasn’t the plan. I didn’t have some grand plan for the future, just scattered thoughts and half-finished ideas. I wasn’t so sure about what I wanted anymore. But I didn’t care if everyone else was moving with more clarity, I was concerned about how I was moving with so little of that.

College has a way of throwing you into experiences you didn’t see coming. I’ve heard about it. Some good, some confusing, some that leave you a little different without you even noticing until months later.

I haven’t suddenly discovered a new version of myself. But I’ve started noticing small things. Long hours in the library with music in my ears, walking to class with my friend and watching the sunlight hit the campus. Random conversations with classmates I was still getting to know that left me thinking about life in ways I hadn’t before. One time, a girl in my class told me that talking to me made her realize that it’s not scary to be a good person. I don’t think she realized how much I needed to hear that that day. There were also nights when my roommate and I would stay up late talking about how weird it felt to grow up. The nights where I let myself feel everything without trying to label it. I wish I could tell you I’ve replaced the version of myself I thought I’d be with an even better one. I haven’t. I don’t want to say that I’ve been moving backwards. But I have made mistakes that make me feel like all the hard work I had put into being happy and being put together when I was in high school was in vain because at the moment, I just don’t feel evolved. But that doesn’t do me any good. I’m here now, aren’t I? I’ll just say, I still don’t have a perfect routine. I don’t have my future mapped out vividly. Some days, I’m not even sure what I want. But I’ve started noticing small things, the way I’ve become more comfortable being alone again, the way I’ve learned to sit with uncertainty without letting it consume me, the way certain songs or places or conversations stick with me a little longer now.

I’m still figuring things out. I probably will be for a while. And for now, I’m learning to be okay with that. I think, for some time, I believed growing up meant becoming a clear, solid version of yourself. But maybe it’s more about letting go of the pressure to be any one thing at all, I don’t know.

I’m not who I thought I’d be at 19. But maybe that version of me didn’t know everything either. I haven’t achieved some of the things I told myself I would. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve abandoned goals. I’ve felt lost more times than I can count. And despite everything I didn’t accomplish, it’s not like I hit rock bottom either. There were small, quiet wins I sometimes forget to give myself credit for. I aced a test I thought I’d barely scrape through. I scored the highest in a subject I’ve always loved. I spoke at a sharing session that left a good impression. People remembered me, and for a brief moment, I remembered what it felt like to be proud of myself. I remember how much I love networking. They weren’t the milestones I imagined at 19, but they mattered in their own way. They reminded me I’m still capable of showing up, of doing good things, even when everything else feels uncertain. I’ve collected moments I’ll return to when the years stretch out ahead of me. I’ve met parts of myself I never knew I needed or could like.

And maybe what I’ve realized most of all is that by letting myself feel messy and unsure, only then can the noise in my head quiet down. The more I stopped forcing myself to have all the answers, the less clouded everything became. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe we find clarity not by having it all figured out, but by giving ourselves permission to not know for a while.

I think, deep down, everyone wants to be better in the future. And maybe it’s not about becoming someone entirely new, but about slowly finding our way back to the parts of ourselves we lost along the way. I’m starting my degree life soon. I don’t know what it’ll look like, but I know I want to show up differently. I hope I carry forward the lessons this past year gave me. The good, the hard, and everything in between. It won’t be perfect, but it doesn’t have to be.