of old photographs and crumpled pieces of papers

Reminiscing can be a little aching, but something about remembering the past and looking at myself, my present self, somehow makes me smile. I smile an aching smile from the bitter-sweetness of remembering. And I've always loved the way memories make me feel. I believe every single event that ever happened in my life has a lasting effect on me. I am just not sure how. 

Yesterday I'd looked through my 'memory box', it's where I kept things that make me feel. And it's not any fancy box. It's quite literally a shoebox. I had my good friend, Anis, go through it with me because it's nice to have company as you go on a trip down memory lane. From letters to photographs to diaries to cards to magazines to badges to candy wrappers to balloons— every single thing you can ever think of. Mostly gifted and some having their very own background stories. But all of them have a specific, maybe special, place in my heart. Hence why I say they make me feel.

I found my old diary which I had in 2018 when I was 12 and read it together with Anis. It was all happy noises in the room as we flipped through every page, each making us roar with laughter and shiver in disgust. I have to be honest, I was quite the typical, dramatic middle school girl in every coming-of-age movie. But 10 times more cringy maybe? My diary entries were silly. And strangely exhausting to read without taking breaks from time to time. But I could say that 2018 was a year I truly cherish, a year that made me who I really am today, though that's for another story. 

I also found my old PE t-shirt with people's little notes and signatures all over it and I remember bringing it specifically for the last day of school. Primary school at least. I went from classroom to classroom asking for certain people's signatures and some of them wrote cute goodbye messages too. There were signatures of my teachers, my classmates, my friends, a guy I'd liked. People. They were like traces of people I'd once met every single day for a year but not anymore. Something they left for me before we parted our ways. How wonderful. I don't actually miss most of them if I'm being honest. I wonder about how they're doing and that's that. I do miss one specific friend, though. A friend I'm forever thankful for whom I wish to see again someday.

There were letters too. So many letters. We'd found a love letter which I received in primary school from a guy in another class. What he said in the letter was really sweet for a 6th grader. It was passed on by his friend to me and I can always recall the 1st time I'd read it. At the cafeteria.

"Hi Safiya. You were already on my mind when I woke up this morning. You are the most important person in my life. I just want to say I love you and I can't wait to see you again. Bye"

Please, go on and laugh. I've giggled enough already. I really did fall in love. Not sure with the letter or him, but I fell in love. And I don't remember replying to the letter, but what I do remember is returning the same feeling. We never really declared anything. I guess we just sort of went on with our days knowing we both liked each other, and that was enough. We were kids having a crush. Though reading it for the 1st time again after a long, long time was freshening. The same excitement from the actual 1st time rushed through me again. I remember exactly how it was. 

And we found a photo of us that we took on our first day of high school as first-years. Me and Anis. It was really just the two of us in early 2019. I'd secretly brought my polaroid to school for the picture and I must say, it was 200% worth it. We looked like a bunch of first-years indeed with our kiddy smile and our obviously-new uniform. We both had the same vision which was to stick together and have fun along the way, but no one goes through a year without any ups and downs, right? Although, the two of us are happy to still have each other after all these years. We smiled at the photo. And I'm still smiling as I'm writing this.

The trip down memory lane was something neither of us thought we needed. It was refreshing. We'd found so much more. My k-pop magazines, little badges of achievement I'd received in primary school, more polaroids, a unicorn balloon gifted by my teacher, handmade bracelets, more letters. We talked and laughed a lot in the room. It was all about the past, and I felt that familiar ache. Of remembrance and longing. But I was still happy, nothing new. It's just how reminiscing works to me and I used to hate it. I used to hate reminiscing because of how it made me feel, but the tables have obviously turned and I'm glad. 

I love remembering. Because it doesn't always have to be gloomy or sad. It can be gross and loving. Amusing and fun. It can be okay. And I'll make more in life so I can sit down in the future and go way back to my past, and smile. Together with my loved ones, that would be pleasant. Au revoir.