non-fitting (a poem)

non-fitting

"bad" would be an understatement
for me to explain how it feels
being a setback surrounded by people
who are good to you, and care for you
it's torture, it's awful
because being a screw-up means you let people down
and letting down good people
hurts a thousand times worse

when you disappoint them
multiple times
and they still have faith in you
faith; that stupid, stupid thing
you get this shameful feeling
in the pit of your stomach
you feel so horrible
"why are they even here?"
"why won't they just walk away?"
"please walk away"
you let the "why" questions flood your mind

a mortification after a motification
and an apology after another
it sucks terribly that that's all you can offer them
or so it seems
though even after all that
you notice them holding onto you, still
but that just doubles the hell

you know that they won't leave
because they're good people
but God do you wish they would
because you're not.

-starshine, 16th of March 2021

Hi!!!!! Here's a poem I wrote quite recently while I was feeling super awful. I'm fine now though, I guess. I don't normally post poems on here because I don't think they're qualified (like good enough to be published on so many platforms) but I felt the need to post something on here, at least, since I've been quiet. 

Well anyway, this poem is a little depressing, isn't it? If u're having trouble understanding it, I'll give u like a, what u call, summary? Like a synopsis but for a poem. 

So, briefly, it's about being a, I guess, screw-up(?) surrounded by people who are good to u. I'm sure u know how the feeling is, whether u're a screw-up or not. Imagine, the idea of disappointing or letting people down, doesn't that suck? Now, imagine letting down people who are good to u. Exactly, it's terrible and, just, bad.

Therefore, this poem is just filled with rants by a screw-up surrounded by people who care for them. I think that's basically it. Well, of course I can elaborate more but I was just gonna give a quick summary. I hope I made it clear enough to understand. 

I also hope whoever reading this is feeling the exact opposite of how this person feels. Feeling nice and happy and good and cheery. I wish u a lovely day/night and I'll be sure to write again. When I have something to talk about of course. Hehe. Talk to u later~~ Au revoir.