loneliness :'[

Today I feel like talking about something I rarely talk about. U know, like, something serious something that involves ~Feelings~ I'll try to be serious though since I get sarcastic and off-topic very easily. I also love exaggerating so bear with me I swear I'll try to be serious. 

Oh by the way, howdy!

Have u ever heard of 'loneliness'? In case u haven't, I'm gonna be giving u a little introduction to it. SO. Loneliness, I literally just searched up its definition on google dictionary and it says here that loneliness is "sadness because one has no friends or company." OK well, I think that's enough for u to understand, I hope so. Either way, I wanted to talk about the one time I felt extremely lonely (so lonely and for such a long time to the point where I felt like giving up seemed as useless as enduring the pain) back back back when I was everything but matured. Yes~ Not that I'm saying I'm soooo matured now but truthfully speaking I wouldn't become as matured as I am now without the so-called special event. I think I said 'matured' too many times, sorry.

Basically, after a lot of thinking and personal, private interview sessions with myself every day in the bathroom while I shower, I've finally come to the conclusion that what I fear the most is definitely feeling lonely. 

Loneliness is something everyone hates, the feeling, is not nice. Being lonely and being alone are 2 different things. Like me, I love being alone, physically; more than anything in the world because I feel completely at ease, it's just that even when I'm alone, I wouldn't want to feel lonely. Loneliness can be felt no matter who u're with, where u are, and whenever. For example, u can be in a place crowded with people and still feel lonely. 

I had felt lonely for a very long period of time back then during this one particular year and it was honestly awful. Of course it was. Especially when I was surrounded by so many people, which made me felt invalid of feeling lonely. Like, 'Why would u feel this way, u have thousands of friends and u're known.' but I couldn't help it. Feelings are uncontrollable, to be honest. So back to what I was saying, that lonely feeling grew stronger in me each day and I noticed that as it got stronger, I was surrounded by more people. Which was obviously strange to me at that time. 'How come', I thought. 

Throughout the whole time, I felt like I was prevented from speaking, like I was told to remain silent. Precisely, I wasn't taken seriously and even judged sometimes. Some people did listen to me (who are also the ones who stick with me up til' now) but I was more surrounded by those who shut me out. So that's when I knew I had to cut people off. I'm sure that cutting people off is very normalized these days. As for me, I didn't necessarily feel like I should cut everyone off, only the ones who made me felt terrible throughout the time we were friends or throughout the time we had been knowing each other. Therefore I did.

And, God, I had never felt so,,, at ease, so content. I was extremely happy I noticed myself feeling better as days passed by. I got to sleep empty-headed and sleeping was something I DIDN'T not look forward to anymore. Besides that, I also got to finally talk, u know? I got to Talk. Not that I loved talking, I still don't, I just got to express myself much easier than usual and I was also LISTENED. (sorry for emphasizing words with capslock I don't know how else to press them anymore).

And having parents who are pretty good listeners is a blessing. Til' this day, they listen to me if I have something to say. It's nice :) But that wasn't the last time I had completely felt lonely. I sometimes still do, but I try to overcome it by doing everything I can and I handle the feeling well now. Thanks to that event I'd like to call "Forever-like Loneliness" (just came up with the name 1 second ago so forgive me if it's not a cool name). Without it, I don't think I would become the person I am today. I learned so much and I still have plenty to learn.

So, to conclude it all, loneliness is something I'd say one of the things I fear the most. There are other things that I fear but I'll save them for another day. I also didn't fully tell u about the event, because if I were to do that, I might as well write a book about it. But I'm sure I told u enough for u to know that I fear loneliness. 

I'd also like to remind u and me as well that it's okay to feel lonely even if u have the whole world by ur side because feeling lonely is so much more than being alone physically. And if u are feeling so right now, I truly wish for things to get better and for u to figure it out eventually. Don't worry, u will. 

To be honest, during the time I was writing this, I felt quite uneasy u know. BECAUSE!!! NO, HEAR ME OUT!!!! BECAUSE!!!! I didn't get to be all sarcastic and jokster-ish, it was a little suffocating. I like sarcasm. It's fun and creative. Spices everything up. 

ANYWAYSSSSS I'LL BE BACK WITH MORE STUFF~ Au revoir :D